Imbalance

"The most effective way to discover imbalances in ourselves: observe the way everyone around us is acting them out." - Elena Brower, Anusara teacher

This is a tough piece to contemplate for so many reasons.

Many of us (I know I do) pass a lot of judgment on ourselves. It's easy to overthink and overanalyze, especially for this left-brained yogi. I want to come up with a hypothesis and an explanation. Observation is key, but what if the filters we have prevent us from truly understanding how those around us act out our imbalances? It's easy to assume that someone is being reticent toward you because you're too frank. But maybe that's not it, maybe it's because they're jealous of your hair. Though I guess good hair could be an imbalance.

I remember in high school, I was told I was considered stuck up because I had good posture. Thus started the season of slumped shoulders. But what was really going on? My self-confidence shrank as soon as I started shuffling around the school. I became worried about what people thought about me. Self-confidence and strength, even if it only manifests itself through good posture, can be a threatening thing for people who have little of it. That manipura chakra of self-esteem will make itself known and may be construed as egotism as well. But with whom does the imbalance lie? I leave that question open for now.

The word "observe" is actually key. If I let myself interpret, that's where I personally get in trouble. My intuition is just not honed enough yet not to take it personally. I guess that's the first - and longest - step, learning to look and listen. As a yoga teacher, scientist, mom, I feel like I should be better at this skill. I'm not getting good at it fast enough, and that makes me feel like a failure.

My yoga studio just changed hands ... essentially it went into the hands of the teachers. So we've all submitted bios according to a prearranged list of questions about ourselves. I love the fact that we are supposed to discuss what scares us the most. Me: sharks and failure. I lived in Maui, Hawaii for a year in my 20s, and the Tiger sharks were brutal; they would go after any meat, dead or alive. I had a hard time going into the water on the surf board. Soon thereafter, I got certified to scuba dive in order to work through that fear. It's still there, but not as much.

Failure, however. I'm really scared to fail! I want to be good at the things I attempt. I want enough money to put my child through good schools. I want to make a difference in the world. I want people to remember me as someone who brought about deep changes. I work as a civil servant in public health, which means no real changes will happen for years ... if at all with the "starve the beast" mentality toward health and education that seems to making the rounds through various legislatures. I see little changes every day when I teach yoga - smiles on faces, a thanks for something I said. Every once in awhile it's big: when I was a new teacher over a decade ago, a student told me he quit smoking, because he couldn't get through my yoga class. It's amazing to make those little - and more tangible - changes in people's lives. Because the thing is, I'm still learning and trying to balance my chakras and practice forgiveness and gratitude. Many times, I think I'm no better at it than any of my students.

Up above my desk at work, I have a phrase from the Upanishads posted, something to help me with my fear of failure.

"You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny."

bFree bio

My name is: Brienne Brown
I'm from: Austin, Texas
My sun sign is: Aquarius
My nicknames are: Brie, Breezy
My favorite word is: brachiate
I wish for: A wellness/yoga studio/B&B in my backyard treehouse ... and a 4x4, hybrid, VW van with a ragtop.
I am thankful for my fabulous husband who gives me the time to be a yoga junkie.
What gives me peace: writing, reading and brachiating.
Three words that describe me are: intellectual, convivial, headstrong
though my husband has sweeter words for me: vivacious, persistent and stalwart
Why I chose yoga: It helps smooth out some of the extremes that come from being stubborn, skeptical and scientific. Yoga helps me listen to myself and others more carefully ... which is key to everything.
What inspires me most is: people who walk the walk.
Three words to describe my teaching style are: detail-oriented, challenging, forgiving.
I just can't live without: a library of books
My favorite food is: spicy, hot curry of every ethnic iteration
For fun I: practice yoga, read, rockclimb, travel, knit, look at bugs with my toddler ... preferably all at the same time
I'm most scared of: sharks & failure