Life Changes

Wow. Karl just got a job offer to teach at James Madison University in Harrisonburg, VA. We've decided to take it and move. So amazing that we're actually leaving Austin. I've lived here for 35 years, with some stints in Alaska, Hawaii, overseas. But yes, seriously, 30 years in Austin, all told. It's a one-year gig, so there's a chance that we'll be coming back, but this could be for good. I'm a skosh freaked out.
I think this is my chance to devote myself fulltime to yoga, to my daughter, and to the dystopia that I've always wanted to write. Not sure how that's all going to play out - a little priority setting is in order, but this is my chance.
The 6 a.m. thing seems to be working out. And, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to get up even earlier to get some personal writing and practicing time in.
I'm pretty sure this opportunity is the universe speaking to me and telling me to walk my talk.

Spring Cleaning - Still ON!

I fell off the wagon. I'm back on it. I've been thinking lately about yoga and what I take away from it. I'm strong, I'm more in touch with my body, mind, patterns ... more intuitive, patient, confident. There is always a new revelation, maybe not true enlightenment, but something new happens each time. Blah, blah, blah. I can talk up a storm about the changes I see, physical and mental. But the fact is these changes happen when one devotes oneself fully to any assortment of practices. And the fact is these changes can only be experienced to be understood, not talked about. I used to hear the same chorus from heaven when I practiced ballet, painted canvases or rowed a regatta while on the crew team in college. Yoga is just more explicit about how to be a good person as you transcend your chemistry and consciousness. Mystics have for ages used tricks of sleep deprivation, fasting, chemical enhancement, exercise, sweat lodges in order to change their chemistry and focus. They were on a quest to see the universe in italics, bold, underlined, blue light, etc. in order to understand the mystery better. Me, I'm just trying to get up consistently before 6 a.m. Sure, I'm practicing and teaching asanas every day. But right now, my yoga is learning to be an early riser. And, it's mindblowing. Switching gears slightly, there is a debate going on in the Austin yoga community right now about Yoga Journal's contest for its next cover model. A friend of mine, Amy Pancake, has written an open letter to YJ about her disgust for this popularity contest. I sympathize with her somewhat; it's a valid concern. She feels the practice of yoga has been watered down by marketing and adherence to unyogic values such as attachment to nice yoga clothes, appearance, or just the physical practice. And I know that there are a plethora of new teachers out there who know little to nothing about the eight limbs - and may not even want to. Sure there are people who want to look hot in their expensive yoga pants. And there are those who (seem to be) missing the point. Others will only buy a magazine if there is a sexy chick on the cover. She seems to believe that yoga can't withstand these strong yet shallow forces - like a flash flood of sterilized yoga mixed in with American consumerism. But I think it can. The fact is that yoga is just bigger than its asanas. It is discipline and contemplation and action. We are all on different paths of our journey through life, and if the least that you learn is that your body is a temple, so be it. I truly think that once you learn this, you start respecting yourself and then others a little more. The path is longer, rougher, and more meandering for a lot of us, but the work is still happening for any of us who consistently practice. It may happen faster/deeper with a good teacher, but the student must also be ready. And, we need to stop taking ourselves and our yoga so seriously. It's just a tool, a powerful tool, but a tool nonetheless. I like YogaDawg's satire about the vast and varied yoga community. Every once in awhile, I go to that site for a reality check.

Spring Cleaning - Day 4

Wake up at 6 a.m. today? Fuhgeddaboudit. Didn't make a plan the night before, and crashed while putting MoJo to bed. She has an uncanny ability to cast a sleep hex on whoever is tasked with reading her bedtime stories. It's a gift.
Anyway, no one said this was gonna be easy. Habits take a while to form, and I know that I need to plan a little better, with more specifics. I've got a 50 percent success rate so far. And the hubby is on board with helping me get this crazy early morning thing accomplished.
I was reading Christina Sell's blog today. Sweetheart Anusara teacher who has really inspired me in terms of embracing change and pursuing self-evaluation. I particularly love this little gem, "Nope, this shift doesn't happen automatically. It takes yoga of some sort, I think. It takes time. It takes practice. It takes unrelenting persistence in the face of repeated failure to learn how to make use of our discomfort so that the heat yields breakthrough and not breakdown." Amen.

Spring Cleaning - Day 3

I didn't end up practicing early yesterday. I called my friend Noelle to see if she wanted to go with me to Castle Hill and practice Mysore at 6 a.m. She had too much work to get done. She also is trying to get on board again with the early morning practice. We Ashtangis are relentless in our desire to pursue discipline ... not so relentless in our follow-through at the moment. I sort of have an excuse (Don't we always?) in that I taught a 6 a.m. on Tuesday, worked, taught an 11 a.m. and then drove to San Antonio to make a presentation at a conference. Three hours in a car added onto an already packed day. I pretty much collapsed with MoJo after reading her a story and didn't wake up until 8 a.m.
It's still an excuse, though. So I made up for (at least) the lack of practice by taking a 4 p.m. vinyasa class and teaching a prenatal at 6 p.m. Wednesday.
This morning was another story. I had the alarm set for taking Tim's vinyasa at bFree at 6 a.m., and then MoJo barreled into the room at 5 a.m. crying. Not sure if she was having a bad dream or a tantrum or both, but mother's guilt made me stay. I did get a practice in on the living room rug after she had calmed down and had gone back to sleep, though. The hardest thing to do is practice yoga by yourself.
Baby steps.
One of the reasons I think it's hard to practice yoga on one's own is that we humans are pack animals. We love to move, play, learn and sing together. I see evidence of that in my toddler. For the longest time, she would only "go potty" in a group setting. It's one of the reasons why I called Noelle, not because I needed the commitment to another to get my goal accomplished, but because it's more fun when you have a buddy - or lots of them - participating. I just finished reading this book called "Born to Run" by Christopher McDougall. I haven't been a runner in a long time. The last time I ran was when I was on the crew team in college. I love to hike, though. This book changed my mind about a lot of things, because he brings in anecdotal examples of ultra-marathoners and then bolsters his theories about the evolution of mankind with some scientific evidence -physiological and anthropological. Many of his points revolved around this thought, that we evolved to run, hunt, walk and rear our children together. We aren't very fast, but we've got the endurance and compiled brainpower to make things happen. The problem is this: We can run at a slow jog for a few days, but if our brains start trying to seek out and eek out efficiencies in our energy output, we need each other to egg us on and talk our individual brains out of their separate desires to economize. This is why a large yoga class will work so hard and get so sweaty, because without a word said, everyone knows they are in it together. When you're by yourself, you end up hanging out in savasana and balasana a lot. They have their benefits, but the energy output is definitely less.

Spring Cleaning - Day 1

Success.
I hestitate to say that getting up to teach today at 5:15 doesn't count. Having to be at the studio, fold all of the clean towels, and get the room warm is not quite the same as crawling out of bed voluntarily and practicing your yoga for yourself. But, the Tuesday morning teaching gig is going to anchor my resolve to do this every day. So it counts, and I feel good. My lord, I've been up for 4 hours already! Actually, I had the strangest sleep pattern last night too. Maybe that big super moon is still affecting my circadian rhythm, but I slept deeply last night and woke up almost every hour feeling completely rested and agog that I had so much more time left to sleep. Strange how the mind starts playing tricks on you. My head feels clear and refreshed, though. I made some nummy chai last night to siphon out of the thermos after class. Finding true grit ... and self-bribery.

Spring Cleaning

I was talking to a yoga student yesterday. She's having trouble finishing up her master's thesis. In fact, she has no motivation to finish whatsoever after having "downgraded" from the Ph.D. program.

My thoughts were that she's got to do something to shift her paradigm. I'm in some of the same places professionally; I work as a scientist for the state but want to own my yoga/wellness studio. It's always complicated. I have family to consider and therefore feel a bit like I'm in professional purgatory; I can't leave my job, because my husband is still working toward his dream ... and I'm the stable force financially. But, when you make small changes to your goals, big things open up for you. That's just physics.

So, I suggested that my student start taking a regular 6 a.m. yoga class. I found that when I was exclusively an Ashtanga practioner, which requires 6 days a week of regular 6 a.m. mysore (self-led) classes, I was much more productive. When vinyasa and family came into my life ... that discipline fell apart. Strangely, that's when professional inertia set in. Coincidence? I think not.

I'm going to challenge myself to the same goal that I challenged her to achieve. Sure, I teach a 6 a.m. class once a week, but the other days I sleep in a couple of hours. My spring cleaning challenge to myself is to charge it Ashtanga style. Six days a week, I'll get up early and do my yoga. I'll take Saturdays or moon days off. I'm still planning on doing my group practice in the afternoons with my favorite master teachers. We'll just see what happens.

I thought this HuffPo article had some neat commentary on the subject of goal-setting.

Imbalance

"The most effective way to discover imbalances in ourselves: observe the way everyone around us is acting them out." - Elena Brower, Anusara teacher

This is a tough piece to contemplate for so many reasons.

Many of us (I know I do) pass a lot of judgment on ourselves. It's easy to overthink and overanalyze, especially for this left-brained yogi. I want to come up with a hypothesis and an explanation. Observation is key, but what if the filters we have prevent us from truly understanding how those around us act out our imbalances? It's easy to assume that someone is being reticent toward you because you're too frank. But maybe that's not it, maybe it's because they're jealous of your hair. Though I guess good hair could be an imbalance.

I remember in high school, I was told I was considered stuck up because I had good posture. Thus started the season of slumped shoulders. But what was really going on? My self-confidence shrank as soon as I started shuffling around the school. I became worried about what people thought about me. Self-confidence and strength, even if it only manifests itself through good posture, can be a threatening thing for people who have little of it. That manipura chakra of self-esteem will make itself known and may be construed as egotism as well. But with whom does the imbalance lie? I leave that question open for now.

The word "observe" is actually key. If I let myself interpret, that's where I personally get in trouble. My intuition is just not honed enough yet not to take it personally. I guess that's the first - and longest - step, learning to look and listen. As a yoga teacher, scientist, mom, I feel like I should be better at this skill. I'm not getting good at it fast enough, and that makes me feel like a failure.

My yoga studio just changed hands ... essentially it went into the hands of the teachers. So we've all submitted bios according to a prearranged list of questions about ourselves. I love the fact that we are supposed to discuss what scares us the most. Me: sharks and failure. I lived in Maui, Hawaii for a year in my 20s, and the Tiger sharks were brutal; they would go after any meat, dead or alive. I had a hard time going into the water on the surf board. Soon thereafter, I got certified to scuba dive in order to work through that fear. It's still there, but not as much.

Failure, however. I'm really scared to fail! I want to be good at the things I attempt. I want enough money to put my child through good schools. I want to make a difference in the world. I want people to remember me as someone who brought about deep changes. I work as a civil servant in public health, which means no real changes will happen for years ... if at all with the "starve the beast" mentality toward health and education that seems to making the rounds through various legislatures. I see little changes every day when I teach yoga - smiles on faces, a thanks for something I said. Every once in awhile it's big: when I was a new teacher over a decade ago, a student told me he quit smoking, because he couldn't get through my yoga class. It's amazing to make those little - and more tangible - changes in people's lives. Because the thing is, I'm still learning and trying to balance my chakras and practice forgiveness and gratitude. Many times, I think I'm no better at it than any of my students.

Up above my desk at work, I have a phrase from the Upanishads posted, something to help me with my fear of failure.

"You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny."

bFree bio

My name is: Brienne Brown
I'm from: Austin, Texas
My sun sign is: Aquarius
My nicknames are: Brie, Breezy
My favorite word is: brachiate
I wish for: A wellness/yoga studio/B&B in my backyard treehouse ... and a 4x4, hybrid, VW van with a ragtop.
I am thankful for my fabulous husband who gives me the time to be a yoga junkie.
What gives me peace: writing, reading and brachiating.
Three words that describe me are: intellectual, convivial, headstrong
though my husband has sweeter words for me: vivacious, persistent and stalwart
Why I chose yoga: It helps smooth out some of the extremes that come from being stubborn, skeptical and scientific. Yoga helps me listen to myself and others more carefully ... which is key to everything.
What inspires me most is: people who walk the walk.
Three words to describe my teaching style are: detail-oriented, challenging, forgiving.
I just can't live without: a library of books
My favorite food is: spicy, hot curry of every ethnic iteration
For fun I: practice yoga, read, rockclimb, travel, knit, look at bugs with my toddler ... preferably all at the same time
I'm most scared of: sharks & failure